He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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