areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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