You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
