you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
a search helicopter?!
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
