JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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