Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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