Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
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