i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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