physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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