Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize