I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
