Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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