Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
