All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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