Umm I'm too high to move.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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