When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
