You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just cropdusted the office
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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