honey bunches of taint.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
