how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
