Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
