we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
