dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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