I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
It's shark week go big or go home
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
