I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
