Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
