i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
