I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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