im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
