just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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