Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
