Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
