He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
