I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
