i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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