Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
