nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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