Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
