you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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