first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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