You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
