but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
