What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
