just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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