I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
