Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
