I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
