i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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