Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
