I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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