yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
