So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
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